Hosting Guidelines

Tips for hosts

• A private event is not a public space. Hosts are typically responsible for the venue, the guests’ privacy, and everyone’s safety: physical, emotional, psychological, informational, and legal.
• There is no right to attend a private event. Setting boundaries and expectations in advance helps head off problems later on.
• Screening does not accuse anyone. A guest may be declined for lack of information or fit, not because they did something wrong.
• Consider matching the threshold to the event. While screening and vetting intensity is the host’s purview, the scale generally runs from munch, private venue, dungeon, house party.
• Screening can make newcomers hesitant. In SafeSpace Allies’ experience, explaining it clearly turns it into a reason people feel comfortable attending.
• Hosts are de facto leaders. Who you let in shapes the space.

Tips for hosts

• Most RSVPs are approved. A decline is the exception.
• A decline is not an accusation. A guest may be declined for lack of information or fit, not because of anything they did.
• Tell guests the common reasons for a decline in advance, and set a response time. Guests who know what to expect are less likely to read silence as rejection.
• Keep the decision private and the message brief, kind and clear. A short message leaves less to argue with and protects everyone’s dignity.
• You don’t have to relitigate the past. You are not the relationship police, and incidents that didn’t happen at your event are not yours to rule on.
• Tell the guest they can contact you. Giving context or sharing new information may not change your decision, but giving potential guests a chance to be heard is worth considering. You’re not obligated to rehabilitate anyone’s reputation.
• Screening is imperfect, and it helps to say so. Most hosts err on the side of caution, because a missed red flag costs more than a declined RSVP.
• Base decisions on conduct, safety and alignment, not on identity, appearance or reputation. Look for patterns. Reports of similar behavior over time and at multiple events raise real concerns. Several reports of a single incident are weaker evidence. Bad actors often leave a string of poor experiences behind them.
• Watch for a veil of silence around popular community members and event hosts. Status can make people soften or hold back criticism of people seen as leaders, and that suppresses information. Rumors abound, so consider accepting only firsthand accounts of poor behavior. The loudest voices often have very different priorities than a host.
• Consider keeping notes on guests who have been a problem or been declined, and keep them brief and factual. Lean heavily on what you directly experienced. Save as little secondhand information as you can, since rumor in a file can look like fact later.
• Write your criteria down and apply them consistently. Written criteria protect you from accusations of favoritism, and they help you decide the same way next time.

Tips for hosts

• A host is a de facto leader. Guests read who you admit, keep, and defend as a statement of what your space tolerates.
• In SafeSpace Allies’ view, a host who knowingly lets a predator attend risks making every guest an unwitting accomplice to that person’s future harm.
• Hold everyone to the same standard, including friends, volunteers, popular people, and the hosts themselves. Exceptions for the well liked are how guests lose trust in a space.
• Responsibility has limits. A host answers for their own event, not for policing the whole community.
• Give guests a way to raise concerns, and tell them what happens next. People stay quiet when they don’t know whether anyone will listen, and that connects to the veil of silence around popular hosts.
• Write your expectations down in advance. Decisions made in the moment tend to be rushed or inconsistent, and a written standard gives you something to point to.

Tips for hosts

• Organizers talk to each other, and that can help keep spaces safer. But each host makes their own decision.
• Most hosts default to not sharing proactively and respond when another host asks about a specific person. Volunteering names invites rumor and puts you in the position of accusing someone.
• Share only what you saw or documented firsthand at your own events. Leave out rumor and secondhand reports, which can spread as fact once they leave your hands.
• Share the facts and let the other host decide. Pushing another group toward an outcome puts your judgment in their event. In the same way, screen guests yourself rather than relying on another group’s decision.
• A declined RSVP is not a finding of guilt. Say so when it matters, so a decision isn’t read as an allegation.
• Keep in confidence what people give you in good faith, such as screening forms and references. People share more honestly when they trust it will stay private.
• Keep records minimal and private. Any list of people who can’t attend should not be public.
• Consider when and where to respond, and do it carefully. A public response often backfires, because many criticisms are more about gaining attention for the critic than reaching a resolution. Nobody can force you to respond publicly. If you do, consider responding in a form you control, and don’t assume critics are acting in good faith.
• Sharing negative information about a named person can create legal risk, including defamation and privacy claims. Be accurate, document what you rely on, and consider a lawyer’s advice before keeping a list or sharing.

Tips for hosts

• Every event draws criticism before and after. Inviting or answering it usually adds turbulence instead of calming it.
• People who weren’t there often jump in, which makes things worse and spreads claims further.
• If your goal is privacy and safer spaces, social media is a double edged sword. Don’t expect much that is productive from an extensive public response to criticism. Critics often want an audience more than an answer, and every reply gives the thread more life.
• Platforms are built for engagement, not community health. They have no stake in your priorities, whether safety, education, or financial success. They can be chaotic, toxic, and divisive.
• Many hosts promote events on social media and then move all correspondence to channels they control, such as email, a private form, or their own site. That keeps the record in your hands and the conversation out of the comment section.
• Assume anything you write, and anything you say on a call or in person, could be recorded and posted. That is another good reason to keep sensitive matters off those channels.
• Platforms only have the power you give them. You decide whether to engage.
• Consider deciding in advance who may speak for your group. One steady voice prevents mixed messages, and it keeps a heated moment from turning into an official statement.

Tips for hosts

• Handle every conversation about removal as privately as you can. Step away from other guests, keep it brief, and keep what was said confidential. Privacy protects everyone involved, including the guest being asked to leave.
• Reserve the right to deny any RSVP or remove any guest, and say so in your event materials before anyone attends. A guest who knew the policy in advance has less to argue about on the night.
• Removal is sometimes the first step, not the last. A guest who skipped the RSVP gave you no chance to screen them in advance.
• Be calm and brief. A guest who leaves quietly is the best outcome, and a public scene helps no one.
• Consider whether to have a support person present. A support person named and briefed before the event, such as a DM or security, can add safety and a second account of what was said. Someone picked in the moment may be a friend of either side, may not know the policy, and may retell it differently later. Some hosts prefer to speak one on one. That keeps the conversation as private as possible, but it leaves one person’s word against another’s. You know your crowd best.
• Consider keeping the removal conversation private and privileged: you, the guest being asked to leave, and, if you choose, a single support person from your side. The support person is there for both of you. Because there is no right to attend, the decision is yours alone, and the guest doesn’t need to bring support of their own. If the conversation can’t stay private, or the guest insists on bringing their own support, it’s usually better not to have it that night. You can speak one on one or table it for later correspondence. Let the guest know to contact you afterward about a refund and any further discussion.
• Avoid debating it on the spot. State the decision once and point to a later conversation, since a debate in the moment draws a crowd and rarely ends well.
• Consider offering a refund. It shows good faith and removes a financial harm the removed guest could otherwise claim.
• Being asked to leave is not a finding of guilt. “Not a fit” does not mean “bad person.”
• Arguing publicly afterward rarely helps. If someone misrepresents your process, correct the facts, rarely and calmly.
• Where it makes sense, you may offer a path back to attending. Make no guarantee.
• Don’t count on venue staff for this. They usually aren’t trained for kink events, and their priorities are the venue’s, not yours.
• Consider hiring private security, ideally people experienced with events like yours and briefed in advance. A briefed team knows your policies and can act calmly instead of improvising.
• If someone is a danger or refuses to leave, involve security first, and law enforcement if needed. Avoid using physical force yourself. It puts you at risk of injury and liability, and handling that is what security is for.
• Weigh privacy and legal concerns before involving law enforcement. How police respond to a kink event varies by jurisdiction and can’t be predicted. In SafeSpace Allies’ view, your guests’ physical safety comes first.
• SafeSpace Allies recommends security at the door and bag checks. In our experience the added safety outweighs the drawbacks, and it signals that your event takes safety seriously.
• Tell guests about security and bag checks in advance, so nothing surprises them and no one feels singled out at the door.
• Apply the checks to everyone, including friends and volunteers, and keep them respectful and discreet. Checks that skip the well liked undermine the whole point.
• Decide in advance what is prohibited, such as weapons. Camera phones can’t realistically be kept out, so set expectations for them. Many hosts ask guests to turn phones off, and keep tape at the door to cover rear cameras. Some venues ban photography unless everyone involved consents and a staff member is present to watch for people in the background. When in doubt, a stricter policy is easier to relax than a looser one is to tighten.
• Agree in advance with the venue and security who handles removals and who decides to involve law enforcement. Settling it before the event keeps a tense moment from turning into a debate over who is in charge.
• Learn your local laws before the event. Rules on security, searches, alcohol, and recording vary more than most hosts expect.

Tips for any setting

• Consent depends on clear judgment. In SafeSpace Allies’ experience, a guest who is drunk or high may struggle to negotiate, notice their limits, or say stop.
• Consider deciding your approach in advance and saying so in your event materials. Choices made late at night tend to be rushed or inconsistent.
• Alcohol and drugs are different questions. You know your crowd and your setting best.
• You cannot verify what a guest took or how much. Drugs are illegal in most places, so think through the legal and liability risk before deciding what to allow.
• It can help to have a sober person in charge, such as a host or monitor.
• Think about what you will do if a guest seems impaired and who will make that call. A gentle, private conversation usually works best.
• Guests may want to recheck any negotiation made while drinking or high. You can invite them to.
• Medical trouble can happen. Consider knowing your address for emergency services, having water and a quiet room available, and assigning someone to stay with a guest who feels unwell. Some hosts keep naloxone on site with someone trained to use it. If a guest cannot be woken or has trouble breathing, calling emergency services first is the safest choice.
• Consider helping guests plan a safe ride home.
• Whatever you choose, it tends to work best when it applies to everyone, including friends, volunteers, and hosts.
• Being asked to sit out is not a finding of guilt. “Not a fit tonight” does not mean “bad person.”

House parties

• At a home, you control the premises but you also carry the personal risk. Your name and address are tied to the event, and your neighbors, landlord, or insurance may matter.
• There is usually no staff, so the host often wears every hat. Consider naming one sober person who is not busy hosting.
• Guests often stay late or sleep over. A plan for who stays, who goes home, and who is fit to drive can prevent problems.
• Alcohol is often easier to manage here, such as limiting it to one area or ending service at a set time. Drugs in your own home can create legal exposure for you personally, so many hosts ask guests to leave them out.
• Privacy and discretion matter more when guests know where you live. Consider what guests might say about your home afterward.

Venues (event spaces and hotels)

• A venue has its own rules, contract, and insurance. Read them before you decide your policy. Your policy may need to be stricter than the venue’s, and it cannot be looser.
• Many venues control alcohol through a license or a contract. Serving or selling may need a permit, a licensed bartender, or the venue’s own service. Check before you plan.
• Venue and hotel staff are usually not trained for kink events or for impairment. Agree in advance who handles an impaired guest, and don’t count on staff to step in.
• Hotels have security and other guests nearby. Consider how your policy handles guests who go back to a room, and who is responsible once they leave your space.
• Venues often have a stated policy on illegal drugs, and breaking it can cost your group its booking or its deposit.

Private dungeons

• A private dungeon often has an owner, house rules, and equipment that carries its own risks when guests are impaired. Consider agreeing with the owner on one clear policy before the event.
• Many dungeons ask that no one play while under the influence, even if alcohol is allowed in social areas. This is worth thinking about, since equipment and play raise the stakes.
• Dungeon monitors can help here. Consider asking monitors to stay sober and to know in advance what to do about an impaired guest.
• Play areas are where impairment matters most. Some groups keep any alcohol or other substances in a separate social area, away from play spaces.
• Because a dungeon is a private venue, the host and owner share responsibility. Consider deciding together who makes the final call.